A little old man shuffled
slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled
himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool...
After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'
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Do you have the answer?
Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?
What disease did cured ham actually have?
THE PROBLEM
Wife: "You always carry my photo in your wallet. Why?"
Hubby: "When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at yourpicture and the problem disappears."
Wife: "You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?"
Hubby: "Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can therebe greater than this one?"
Hubby: "When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at yourpicture and the problem disappears."
Wife: "You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?"
Hubby: "Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can therebe greater than this one?"
IN HONOR OF STUPID PEOPLE (not us, of course)
In Honor of Stupid People . . . In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- 'Do not turn upside down.' (well...duh, a bit late, huh!)
===========================
On Sainsbury's peanuts -- 'Warning: contains nuts.' (talk about a news flash)
===========================
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine -- 'Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication.' (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5 year-olds with head-colds off those bulldozers.)
==========================
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding -- 'Product will be hot after heating.' (...and you thought????...) =======================
On a Sears hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping. (That's the only time I have to work on my hair.) ====================================
On a bag of Fritos -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special?) ===========================
On a bar of Dial soap -- 'Directions: Use like regular soap.' (and that would be???....)
============================
On some Swanson frozen dinners -- 'Serving suggestion: Defrost.' (but, it's just a suggestion.) ========================
On packaging for a Rowenta iron -- 'Do not iron clothes on body.' (but wouldn't this save me time?) ==============================
On Nytol Sleep Aid -- 'Warning: May cause drowsiness.' (..I'm taking this because???.....) ==============================
On most brands of Christmas lights -- 'For indoor or outdoor use only.' (as opposed to what?) ==========================
On a Japanese food processor -- 'Not to be used for the other use.' (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)
==============================
On an American Airlines packet of nuts -- 'Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts.' (Step 3: say what?) ===========================
On a child's Superman costume -- 'Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.' (I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.) ========================
On a Swedish chainsaw -- 'Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.' (Oh my..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- 'Do not turn upside down.' (well...duh, a bit late, huh!)
===========================
On Sainsbury's peanuts -- 'Warning: contains nuts.' (talk about a news flash)
===========================
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine -- 'Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication.' (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5 year-olds with head-colds off those bulldozers.)
==========================
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding -- 'Product will be hot after heating.' (...and you thought????...) =======================
On a Sears hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping. (That's the only time I have to work on my hair.) ====================================
On a bag of Fritos -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special?) ===========================
On a bar of Dial soap -- 'Directions: Use like regular soap.' (and that would be???....)
============================
On some Swanson frozen dinners -- 'Serving suggestion: Defrost.' (but, it's just a suggestion.) ========================
On packaging for a Rowenta iron -- 'Do not iron clothes on body.' (but wouldn't this save me time?) ==============================
On Nytol Sleep Aid -- 'Warning: May cause drowsiness.' (..I'm taking this because???.....) ==============================
On most brands of Christmas lights -- 'For indoor or outdoor use only.' (as opposed to what?) ==========================
On a Japanese food processor -- 'Not to be used for the other use.' (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)
==============================
On an American Airlines packet of nuts -- 'Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts.' (Step 3: say what?) ===========================
On a child's Superman costume -- 'Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.' (I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.) ========================
On a Swedish chainsaw -- 'Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.' (Oh my..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)
The Perfect Password
A woman was helping her husband set up his computer. At the appropriate point in the process, she told him that he would now have to enter a password. something he will use to log on. The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in...
P E N I S
His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied: PASSWORD DENIED - NOT LONG ENOUGH
P E N I S
His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied: PASSWORD DENIED - NOT LONG ENOUGH
BEER ADVISORY
Health Advisory:
"Beer contains female hormones, and canturn men into women.After 5 pints.... men become talkative, unreasonable,irritable, cry for nothing, and urinate while sitting!"
"Beer contains female hormones, and canturn men into women.After 5 pints.... men become talkative, unreasonable,irritable, cry for nothing, and urinate while sitting!"
WHAT THEY USUALLY SAY AFTER FARTING?
American: Excuse me.
British : Pardon me.
Filipino : NOT ME!
British : Pardon me.
Filipino : NOT ME!
Answer to Guess Words
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