The Best Joke in Britain
BEST JOKE IN BRITAIN
A Chinese walks into a bar in America late one night and he saw Steven Spielberg.
As he was a great fan of his movies, he rushes over to him, and asks for his autograph.
Instead, Spielberg gives him a slap and says, 'You Chinese people bombed our Pearl Habour, get outta here.'
The astonished Chinese man replied, 'It was not the Chinese who bombed your Pearl Harbour , it was the Japanese'.
'Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you're all the same,' replied Spielberg.
In return, the Chinese gives Spielberg a slap and says, 'You sank the Titanic, my forefathers were on that ship.'
Shocked, Spielberg replies, 'It was the iceberg that sank the ship, not me.'
The Chinese replies, 'Iceberg, Spielberg, Carlsberg, you're all the same.'
( This particular joke won an award for the best joke in a competition organized in Britain )
A Chinese walks into a bar in America late one night and he saw Steven Spielberg.
As he was a great fan of his movies, he rushes over to him, and asks for his autograph.
Instead, Spielberg gives him a slap and says, 'You Chinese people bombed our Pearl Habour, get outta here.'
The astonished Chinese man replied, 'It was not the Chinese who bombed your Pearl Harbour , it was the Japanese'.
'Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you're all the same,' replied Spielberg.
In return, the Chinese gives Spielberg a slap and says, 'You sank the Titanic, my forefathers were on that ship.'
Shocked, Spielberg replies, 'It was the iceberg that sank the ship, not me.'
The Chinese replies, 'Iceberg, Spielberg, Carlsberg, you're all the same.'
( This particular joke won an award for the best joke in a competition organized in Britain )
A Cardiologist's Funeral
A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate
funeral by the hospital he worked for most of his life... A huge
heart... covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service
as all the doctors from the hospital sat in awe. Following the eulogy,
the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed,
sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever..
At that point, one of the mourners just -burst- into laughter. When all
eyes stared at him, he said, 'I am so sorry, I was just thinking of my
own funeral... I'm a gynecologist.
The proctologist fainted.
funeral by the hospital he worked for most of his life... A huge
heart... covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service
as all the doctors from the hospital sat in awe. Following the eulogy,
the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed,
sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever..
At that point, one of the mourners just -burst- into laughter. When all
eyes stared at him, he said, 'I am so sorry, I was just thinking of my
own funeral... I'm a gynecologist.
The proctologist fainted.
Le-a
How would you pronounce this child's name?
"Le-a"
Leah?? NO
Lee - A?? NOPE
Lay - a?? NO
Lei??
Guess Again.
This child attends a school in Kansas City, Mo. Her mother is irate because everyone is getting her name wrong. It's pronounced "Ledasha",
When the Mother was asked about the pronunciation of the name, she said, "the dash ain't silent."
"Le-a"
Leah?? NO
Lee - A?? NOPE
Lay - a?? NO
Lei??
Guess Again.
This child attends a school in Kansas City, Mo. Her mother is irate because everyone is getting her name wrong. It's pronounced "Ledasha",
When the Mother was asked about the pronunciation of the name, she said, "the dash ain't silent."
Toilet Talks
I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other toilet saying:
'Hi, how are you?'
I'm not the type to start a conversation in the restroom but I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed,
'Doin' just fine!'
And the other person says:
'So what are you up to?'
What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say:
'Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling!'
At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question.
'Can I come over?'
Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell them
'No..I'm a little busy right now!!!'
Then I hear the person say nervously...
'Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other toilet who keeps answering all my questions.'
Mobile phones, don't you just love them!
'Hi, how are you?'
I'm not the type to start a conversation in the restroom but I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed,
'Doin' just fine!'
And the other person says:
'So what are you up to?'
What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say:
'Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling!'
At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question.
'Can I come over?'
Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell them
'No..I'm a little busy right now!!!'
Then I hear the person say nervously...
'Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other toilet who keeps answering all my questions.'
Mobile phones, don't you just love them!
Crushed Nuts
A little old man shuffled
slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled
himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool...
After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'
slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled
himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool...
After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'
We all have obsessions
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with three young mothers and their small children.
"You all have obsessions," he observed.
To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."
At this point, the third mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go."
"You all have obsessions," he observed.
To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."
At this point, the third mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go."
Don't I know you from somewhere?
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He’s rather taken aback because he can’t place where he knows her from. So he says, “Do you know me?” To which she replies, “I think you’re the father of one of my kids.”
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, “My word, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?” She looks into his eyes and says calmly, “No, I’m your son’s teacher”.
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, “My word, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?” She looks into his eyes and says calmly, “No, I’m your son’s teacher”.
Little Johhny
Little Johnny's at it again..... A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?' 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'
* * * * * * * * * * *
Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mummy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. 'What's the matter?' asked Little Johnny. 'Giving up?'
* * * * * * * * * * *
Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mummy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. 'What's the matter?' asked Little Johnny. 'Giving up?'
The Lawyer's Brother
A lawyer driving on a highway notices a crowd in an intersection. In his urge to get through the crowd, he shouted "I'm the brother of the victim!"
Upon hearing, the people made way for him to get through. There he saw a helpless, bloody monkey lying infront of the people.
Upon hearing, the people made way for him to get through. There he saw a helpless, bloody monkey lying infront of the people.
CHINESE EYE TEST
If you cannot decipher anything, then try pulling the corners of
your eyes as if you were Chinese. It works!
The Pastor's Ass
A little humor with a good moral.
The Pastor's Ass
The pastor entered his donkey in a race and It won.
The pastor was so pleased with the donkey
That he entered it in the
Race Again, and it won again.
The local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of
Publicity that he ordered the
Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.
The next day, the local paper headline
Read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.
This was too much for the bishop, so he
Ordered the pastor to get
Rid Of the donkey.
The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a
Nearby convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted
The following headline the next day:
NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.
The bishop fainted.
He informed the nun that she would have to
Get rid of the donkey, so she
Sold it to a farmer for $10.
The next day the paper read:
NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.
This was too much for the bishop, so he
Ordered the nun to buy back the
Donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.
The next day the headlines read:
NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
The bishop was buried the next day.
The moral of the story is ....
Being Concerned about public opinion can
Bring you much grief and misery & even shorten your Life.
So be yourself and enjoy life.
Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and
You'll be a lot happier and live longer!
The Pastor's Ass
The pastor entered his donkey in a race and It won.
The pastor was so pleased with the donkey
That he entered it in the
Race Again, and it won again.
The local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of
Publicity that he ordered the
Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.
The next day, the local paper headline
Read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.
This was too much for the bishop, so he
Ordered the pastor to get
Rid Of the donkey.
The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a
Nearby convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted
The following headline the next day:
NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.
The bishop fainted.
He informed the nun that she would have to
Get rid of the donkey, so she
Sold it to a farmer for $10.
The next day the paper read:
NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.
This was too much for the bishop, so he
Ordered the nun to buy back the
Donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.
The next day the headlines read:
NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
The bishop was buried the next day.
The moral of the story is ....
Being Concerned about public opinion can
Bring you much grief and misery & even shorten your Life.
So be yourself and enjoy life.
Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and
You'll be a lot happier and live longer!
A True Halloween Story
This story happened a while ago in Dublin , and even though it sounds Like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, its true.
John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road Hitch hiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a storm. The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped. John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door, only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn’t on!!
The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life.
Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and turned the wheel. John, paralyzed with terror, watched as the hand repeatedly came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.
Shortly thereafter John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength, he jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had. A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying and….wasn’t drunk.
Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath.
Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other. “Look Paddy…..there’s that idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!!!!”
John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road Hitch hiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a storm. The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped. John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door, only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn’t on!!
The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life.
Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and turned the wheel. John, paralyzed with terror, watched as the hand repeatedly came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.
Shortly thereafter John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength, he jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had. A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying and….wasn’t drunk.
Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath.
Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other. “Look Paddy…..there’s that idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!!!!”
Priestly Joke
The priest in a small Irish village loved his chickens that he kept in
the coop behind the church. One Sunday morning before mass, he went to
feed the birds and discovered that the cock was missing. He knew about
the cock fights in the village, so he decided to question his
parishioners in church.
During mass, he asked his congregation, "Has anybody got a cock?"
All the men stood up.
"No, no, that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?"
All the women stood up.
"No, no, that wasn't what I meant either. Has anybody seen a cock that
doesn't belong to them?"
Half the women stood up!
"No, no, no, that wasn't what I meant. What I really really mean is, has
anybody seen MY cock?"
Sixteen altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.
Frank the bear hunter
Frank was excited about his new rifle and decided to try bear hunting. He travelled up to Alaska , spotted a small brown bear and shot it.
Soon after there was a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear.
The black bear said, 'That was a very bad mistake. That was my cousin. I'm going to give you two choices.
Either I maul you to death or we have sex.' After considering briefly, Frank decided to accept the latter alternative.
So the black bear had his way with Frank.
Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge.
He headed out on another trip to Alaska where he found the black bear and shot it dead.
Right after, there was another tap on his shoulder.
This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him.
The grizzly said, 'That was a big mistake, Frank.
That was my cousin and you've got two choices: Either I maul you to death or we have 'rough sex.'
Again, Frank thought it was better to cooperate with the grizzly bear than be mauled to death. So the grizzly had his way with Frank.
Although he survived, it took several months before Frank fully recovered.
Now Frank was completely outraged, so he headed back to Alaska and managed to track down the grizzly bear and shot it.
He felt sweet revenge, but then, moments later, there was a tap on is shoulder.
He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there.
The polar bear looked at him and said, 'Admit it Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?'
Soon after there was a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear.
The black bear said, 'That was a very bad mistake. That was my cousin. I'm going to give you two choices.
Either I maul you to death or we have sex.' After considering briefly, Frank decided to accept the latter alternative.
So the black bear had his way with Frank.
Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge.
He headed out on another trip to Alaska where he found the black bear and shot it dead.
Right after, there was another tap on his shoulder.
This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him.
The grizzly said, 'That was a big mistake, Frank.
That was my cousin and you've got two choices: Either I maul you to death or we have 'rough sex.'
Again, Frank thought it was better to cooperate with the grizzly bear than be mauled to death. So the grizzly had his way with Frank.
Although he survived, it took several months before Frank fully recovered.
Now Frank was completely outraged, so he headed back to Alaska and managed to track down the grizzly bear and shot it.
He felt sweet revenge, but then, moments later, there was a tap on is shoulder.
He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there.
The polar bear looked at him and said, 'Admit it Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?'
Three Women in the Sauna
THREE WOMEN, TWO YOUNGER, AND ONE SENIOR CITIZEN, WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA. SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND. THE YOUNG WOMAN PRESSED HER FOREARM AND THE BEEP STOPPED. THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY.
'THAT WAS MY PAGER,' SHE SAID. I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY ARM.
A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG. THE SECOND YOUNG WOMAN LIFTED HER PALM TO HER EAR. WHEN SHE FINISHED, SHE EXPLAINED, 'THAT WAS MY MOBILE PHONE I HAVE A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND.'
THE OLDER WOMAN FELT VERY LOW -TECH. NOT TO BE OUT DONE, SHE DECIDED SHE HAD TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE. SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND WENT TO THE BATHROOM. SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER HANGING FROM HER REAR END.
THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER. THE OLDER WOMAN
FINALLY SAID.........WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT... I'M GETTING A FAX!!
'THAT WAS MY PAGER,' SHE SAID. I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY ARM.
A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG. THE SECOND YOUNG WOMAN LIFTED HER PALM TO HER EAR. WHEN SHE FINISHED, SHE EXPLAINED, 'THAT WAS MY MOBILE PHONE I HAVE A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND.'
THE OLDER WOMAN FELT VERY LOW -TECH. NOT TO BE OUT DONE, SHE DECIDED SHE HAD TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE. SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND WENT TO THE BATHROOM. SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER HANGING FROM HER REAR END.
THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER. THE OLDER WOMAN
FINALLY SAID.........WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT... I'M GETTING A FAX!!
The Birthday Dinner
One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love. When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.
Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work. Since I lived in the countryside I called my husband and told him that I would be late because I had to walk home.
On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odor of baked beans was more than I could stand. With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans.
All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas.
Upon my arrival, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly: "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight."
He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call.
The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage.
Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the Conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable. When eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself.
My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long. He asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not.
At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table chorused: "Happy Birthday!"
I fainted!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work. Since I lived in the countryside I called my husband and told him that I would be late because I had to walk home.
On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odor of baked beans was more than I could stand. With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans.
All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas.
Upon my arrival, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly: "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight."
He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call.
The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage.
Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the Conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable. When eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself.
My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long. He asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not.
At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table chorused: "Happy Birthday!"
I fainted!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Scissors
There are times when kids draw something and you just have to say... 'Wow, tell me about your picture,' because you have no clue what it is... This one you'll know right away....Enjoy!
OF COURSE THEY'RE SCISSORS
QUOTE FROM THE MOM:
THIS IS MY KINDERGARTNER'S
OF COURSE THEY'RE SCISSORS
QUOTE FROM THE MOM:
THIS IS MY KINDERGARTNER'S
ARTISTIC RENDERING OF A PAIR OF SCISSORS. I WONDER
WHAT HIS TEACHER THOUGHT.
I ALLOWED MYSELF JUST A SMALL
WHAT HIS TEACHER THOUGHT.
I ALLOWED MYSELF JUST A SMALL
SMIRK WHEN I SAW IT.
I WAITED UNTIL HE WAS OUT OF THE ROOM UNTIL I STARTED CRYING FROM LAUGHING SO HARD.
WELL, OF COURSE THEY'RE SCISSORS.
IF YOU KNOW SOMEONE WITH A
I WAITED UNTIL HE WAS OUT OF THE ROOM UNTIL I STARTED CRYING FROM LAUGHING SO HARD.
WELL, OF COURSE THEY'RE SCISSORS.
IF YOU KNOW SOMEONE WITH A
SMALL CHILD OR IF YOU ARE A
TEACHER YOU WILL LOVE THIS!
AS YOU ALL KNOW I WILL BE REQUIRED
AS YOU ALL KNOW I WILL BE REQUIRED
TO PROUDLY DISPLAY THIS ON
MY REFRIGERATOR FOR A LENGTH OF
MY REFRIGERATOR FOR A LENGTH OF
TIME .
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