Frank the bear hunter

Frank was excited about his new rifle and decided to try bear hunting. He travelled up to Alaska , spotted a small brown bear and shot it.

Soon after there was a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear.

The black bear said, 'That was a very bad mistake. That was my cousin. I'm going to give you two choices.

Either I maul you to death or we have sex.' After considering briefly, Frank decided to accept the latter alternative.

So the black bear had his way with Frank.

Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge.

He headed out on another trip to Alaska where he found the black bear and shot it dead.

Right after, there was another tap on his shoulder.


This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him.

The grizzly said, 'That was a big mistake, Frank.

That was my cousin and you've got two choices: Either I maul you to death or we have 'rough sex.'

Again, Frank thought it was better to cooperate with the grizzly bear than be mauled to death. So the grizzly had his way with Frank.

Although he survived, it took several months before Frank fully recovered.

Now Frank was completely outraged, so he headed back to Alaska and managed to track down the grizzly bear and shot it.

He felt sweet revenge, but then, moments later, there was a tap on is shoulder.

He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there.


The polar bear looked at him and said, 'Admit it Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?'

Three Women in the Sauna

THREE WOMEN, TWO YOUNGER, AND ONE SENIOR CITIZEN, WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA. SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND. THE YOUNG WOMAN PRESSED HER FOREARM AND THE BEEP STOPPED. THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY.

'THAT WAS MY PAGER,' SHE SAID. I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY ARM.

A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG. THE SECOND YOUNG WOMAN LIFTED HER PALM TO HER EAR. WHEN SHE FINISHED, SHE EXPLAINED, 'THAT WAS MY MOBILE PHONE I HAVE A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND.'

THE OLDER WOMAN FELT VERY LOW -TECH. NOT TO BE OUT DONE, SHE DECIDED SHE HAD TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE. SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND WENT TO THE BATHROOM. SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER HANGING FROM HER REAR END.

THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER. THE OLDER WOMAN
FINALLY SAID.........WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT... I'M GETTING A FAX!!

The Birthday Dinner

One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love. When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.

Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work. Since I lived in the countryside I called my husband and told him that I would be late because I had to walk home.

On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odor of baked beans was more than I could stand. With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans.

All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas.

Upon my arrival, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly: "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight."

He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call.

The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage.

Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the Conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable. When eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself.

My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long. He asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not.

At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table chorused: "Happy Birthday!"

I fainted!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Scissors

There are times when kids draw something and you just have to say... 'Wow, tell me about your picture,' because you have no clue what it is... This one you'll know right away....Enjoy!

OF COURSE THEY'RE SCISSORS

QUOTE FROM THE MOM:

THIS IS MY KINDERGARTNER'S

ARTISTIC RENDERING OF A PAIR OF SCISSORS. I WONDER

WHAT HIS TEACHER THOUGHT.

I ALLOWED MYSELF JUST A SMALL

SMIRK WHEN I SAW IT.

I WAITED UNTIL HE WAS OUT OF THE ROOM UNTIL I STARTED CRYING FROM LAUGHING SO HARD.

WELL, OF COURSE THEY'RE SCISSORS.

IF YOU KNOW SOMEONE WITH A

SMALL CHILD OR IF YOU ARE A

TEACHER YOU WILL LOVE THIS!

AS YOU ALL KNOW I WILL BE REQUIRED

TO PROUDLY DISPLAY THIS ON

MY REFRIGERATOR FOR A LENGTH OF

TIME .

When plants go bad . . .